EveryPurpleSense

2011-10-02T17:31:00.002+08:00

um,hi.

It's October. and I'm struggling to survive till the day i get my pay. been living on bread and plain water for almost 2weeks. food at home is not included.haha

so,uhmm,I've been trying to be okay. be happy,smile,think positive. colleagues at work has been a great help to put a smile on my face. but sometimes,it's hindering to smile when you don't feel like smiling,you know? but ok,I'm doing a good job so far.

I'll have to pass alot of things that i want this month,cause my pay is not that much. hopefully next month will ease my burdens. just a little bit off my shoulder will be terrific :)

2011-09-10T00:52:00.002+08:00

Change

I'm amazed when i hear stories about people who changed from their previous lifestyle. Like entirely drastically changed. the good ones i mean. i respect their strong will to do something that is not easy to accomplish. I wished i have that strong will too. i believe in Allah,in Allah's existence,seek help from Allah and thank Allah for the blessings. but why am i not dutiful to Allah? Yes i have been praying but not constantly and i can feel my soul is peaceful but not my surroundings. What does that mean? Maybe i still have some "unfinished business" to someone? I've been trying to figure this out. maybe i do know and maybe i have no idea at all.

You can become bad within seconds but to become good? It really takes a huge amount of faith and believes to do so. i strongly believe i can but i tend to break down easily when people around me,especially my dearests do something that i never even thought of. and that'll lead to negativity. and i hate that.

I silently pray for my family to get better and sincerely happy for each other.

Brother,i don't want money causing you to forget who you are.

Mum,please wake up,this is the reality.

Dad,you're the head of your own family,you have the right to stand up for me.

Me,do my best to be a good sister,daughter,friend and not forgetting,be dutiful to Allah SWT. Amin.

2011-09-07T19:00:00.002+08:00

tell me,how worse can it get?

she knows herself better and why is she doing all these nonsense? i am not here to critic her but as a daughter,i have the right to point out her mistakes but to have a mum like her,you are not allowed to have your say. she rather listens to outsiders who know nothing about her. someone she just knew. where is she now? who is she with? what is she doing? i don't want to stay here anymore. i want to get out of this hell on earth. i can't wait for that day.

my dad? he can't even do anything when his wife disapprove of something. i know it's her cause my dad won't even decline anything when it comes to me. I'm tremendously horribly awfully disappointed in them. why is all these happening again? grow up please. you guys should know better :'(

2011-07-25T23:23:00.003+08:00

According to her body language and the way she speaks,it's as though it's wrong to ask her whereabouts. she usually spent the day outside or at someone's place or with someone(only God knows who). rarely sleep at home. only home to change,"cook",do the "chores". but actually,she did little and i can do better. she even answered in a sarcastic way when i asked her where she was going in the wee hours " i am bored at home. people monitor me like a police". how,if you're in my shoes supposed to feel ? i felt really sad. i wanted to cry but i just slept it off cause i was still sick,till today. isit wrong to ask your own mum where she was going ? isit wrong to care?

Seems like it is.

oh ya,everything i do is wrong in her eyes. i am the bad one. the one who always go against her when she's wrong.

:''(

2011-07-25T22:48:00.002+08:00

Utterly upset with her. sometimes i feel like I'm not her daughter. i still cannot believe my own mum can treat me like this. lies everywhere. i am not trying to make her look bad but she doesn't even have a proper basic knowledge about her own religion. how is that? sigh. i really wish i can get a job soon,I've already applied some and i hope things will go well. i am sick of all these bullshits.

what's sad is that,when i was sick like almost dying and alone at home,she prioritise others more than me. and to add it up,she doesn't even come home when i was sick. i slept alone,took the pills alone,everything on my own when i can barely walk. she doesn't even took the time to call me and ask how was my condition.why can't she remember who was there when she was all swelled up like a puffer fish ? who was there to remind her not to skip her medications? who was there when there was no one for her ? what does her "best" neighbour-turned-friend do for her? FUCKING NOTHING. what does her USEFUL 3 kids do for her? FUCKING NOTHING AT ALL. what they ask from her is money money money. and what i asked from her is for her to change. be a better mum. a mum i can proudly call Mum. what's the point of going to the mosque for "syarahan" when you don't practice it?

What do you want Ma? i know money is all you want but i can't offer that right now,but i can and will when I'm financially stable. i really love you and i really pray you will change before you leave us. I want you to be happy in the next world. please think of the Akhirat too ma,not just the present.

2011-07-21T09:54:00.002+08:00

it's very hard for me to let go of my iphone knowing that i only used it for 9months. but i have to sacrifice abit. downside is i lost ALL of my contacts. but with this new phone which is so-so,i have to be grateful atleast i can text and make calls. haha.

hmm. haiya. that's about all.

2011-07-16T21:15:00.002+08:00

it was heavy for me to say all those stupid words. but at the same time,i can't accept what has happened. it was degrading and demoralizing. but i had to say. even if my heart was shouting not to. i was so mean. i was so fucking mean. i lost another one. the one that means so much to me. i know im reckless. i shouldn't have said all that. but i guess it's my ego. yes IT IS,not guess,dumb. i am sorry. but he should be sorry too for killing my hopes. it's all gone now. everything is.

2011-07-14T15:43:00.002+08:00

YOU CAN GO

why must you make things worst ? why must you say all those words when you know that i am already upset in the first place? why don't think that i get hurt easily with mean words (which you promised not to say) before you speak ? i know people don't mean a thing they said when they're angry and i forgave you but you think i can let it pass ? NO. and now you said i am your life ? i am not. you done it before and you promised not to screw things up again but you did ? i swear i can't accept what you said. since yesterday,i can willingly toss our dreams in the thrash. not cause i don't care,i just can't be with someone who have the heart to say really cruel mean words just cause of anger. i'm here thinking of your happiness and not to bother you with my whatnot and you can even say i don't prove it ? think before you fucking say something.

well,fuck all of this. i've had it. I AM DONE.

2011-07-05T21:57:00.002+08:00

even the shortest amount of time just to feel your warmth against mine is more than enough.

ireallymissyou.

anyway,i am happy with my new baby :) she's quite big for a month old kitten though. Bella is still hissing and growling at the sight of her.

ahh, i just lost what i wanted to say here. after the news i received,its hard to focus on anything. urgh. i just want her to know that she means alot to me though we rarely meet. fuck that guy,seriously. asshole.

2011-07-01T13:06:00.002+08:00

having a really bad tummyache.

tonight we're going to MBS again but this time it's Japanese. celebrating mum's 40th birthday. hopefully it'll be a full complete family tonight.

yesterday i got a job offer for a month , $10 per hour and i am very pissed why it has to come at the wrong time. i can but circumstances doesn't let me. im still sore about it till today. geez. and so i told myself " rezeki ada dimana2" . InsyaAllah. im still pissed. okay da.

I can't wait to doll my sister up later,and the birthday woman too :) Gonna make them look extra beautiful.

2011-06-21T22:49:00.006+08:00

The Advanced Birthday Dinner

Dinner was at MBS Ku De Ta. once in a lifetime opportunity for me to step my foot there. appreciate every little thing,especially the food,super amazing. mum got the most expensive main course,a beef steak which cost 300+. but the taste is undeniably fantastic. the chef messed up her steak at first and had to do a new one so as a form of apology,he made us 3 different desserts which i can't find words to describe the fabulous taste. no doubt,went home with full tummy :)

I had fun,no photos of the food cause we waited for more than half and hour for the food so when it arrived,we immediately stuffed our face.

Thanks Uncle for the dinner :)

2011-06-17T19:23:00.002+08:00

been missing for quite some time. not abandoning,nooo. just too much things happening.

Ive been on tumblr most of the time cause it pretty much have what I've been feeling lately.

I'm pretty messed up and trying my very utmost best to get back up on my feet. retail therapy used to be my remedy but now,with financial difficulties,dream on.

I hate to pretend that I'm fine and okay all the single time just not to make someone's ears bleed.

I am not okay. I wanna break down and cry. I wanna tell someone that I've had enough. arguing with Andre almost everyday over small simple things. crying to sleep. i need a break.

I'm feeling pathetic right now,having to type all these words,my feelings. like Ive got nothing better to do.

And now the emotions i felt earlier can't seem to apply to my fingers. what the hell am i supposed to say now. i want to let it out. i want to let you people know that I'm miserable. i AM NOT seeking attention,i just want to let it out. i apologize. if this is making you roll your eyes,just click x.

My birthday is next week,and I'm not looking forward to it. I don't expect for anything. It's strange. I feel like disappearing on that day. remove my birthday on facebook so no one will know and not a single soul will wish me. I'm feeling so low right now.

I need a hug badly and someone who'll say everything is gonna be fine and you'll be okay.

received a call from Dad and actually he just wanted to talk to brother cause brother didn't answer his calls. i thought he called to talk to me. idk if i want to see him this Sunday. i feel as though my own family is making use of me. taking me for granted. it's actually not a surprise.hah.

the one who did nothing at home but look after this neighbour's daughter(she's actually just sleeping her ass off and rant when the kid wakes her up and cry) and gets a reward per day and i get nothing for looking after everything at home every fucking day.

do i deserve this? maybe. for being too damn weak,stupid,gullible,soft and obeying everyone.

2011-05-10T23:18:00.002+08:00

i pushed alot of people from my life. i know,it is wrong. but i need time myself to set things right. even if it takes quite a while. some demands and expects something from me which i can't offer for now.

to a few,i apologize for not being visible but that doesn't mean you're forgotten. okay maybe i should apologize to all.

now that im officially solo,i don't have any intention to look for anyone or even think about dating anyone. maybe it's just useless. i told someone i wanted to marry God and i got scolded for that. lol. but i was kidding. i just have to get myself back up again,without anyone helping this time. cause i don't wanna owe anyone anything.

love? it's nothing now.

2011-05-06T19:43:00.002+08:00

"No matter how distant i am from you,don't ask about your well-being,don't call you,how many guys i've met,how many guys i've loved,how many people likes me, I'll still love you like no one else can. Cause you cared for me like no one else did."

2011-04-29T20:43:00.004+08:00

"Choose between a kampung girl who covers her head and only knows one man(me) or a heavily tattooed town girl who knows millions of man but chose me? I would choose the heavily tattooed town girl,cause,of all man,she chose me and that makes me a special man to her" - Yuan Andres

"You're a gift from Allah,to me. and i have to take good care of you,no matter what" - Yuan Andres

"You may not be the one i want. But you're the one i need in my life" - Yuan Andres

2011-04-29T20:37:00.001+08:00

i really hate to say this,but,seriously,honestly,with no smile on my face,

Im mentally unstable.

2011-04-28T17:33:00.003+08:00

Note to self

GO FOR A BLOODY HEAD CHECK-UP.
DON'T LOSE MY ORGANISER.
BE NICE THOUGH I'M HAVING RELAPSE.

This is too much. the more i try to ditch the mindset of "I'm already back to normal,I'm fine,nothing worst could happen",the more it's not working.

Tugging veins when I'm merely thinking and it'll lead to throwing up?. fainting spells. gets agitated easily. sigh.

hopefully this Saturday won't do me any harm. i really wanna make my Dad and Ibu happy. it's been awhile since i saw smiles on their faces.

2011-04-25T19:48:00.005+08:00

it is painful.

how i wish i can just pin you down and punch your throat,stab you multiple times and decapitate you.

I have alot to say. to you. and my fingers are itching to type those words but i can't.

whatever i say won't matter to you anyway cause you simply don't care.

isn't there anything to post beside relationshits?

i hate you.

2011-04-22T14:06:00.004+08:00

I feel like I'm losing you.like you're slowly,drifting away from me.

For the slightest,incomprehensible moment, I have it all.
I have you.and I am truly happy.

But now,it seems as though I'm broken.
Unlovable.
Like I'm unconsciously pushing you away.

I feel like I'm annoying.
Like I'm chasing after the wind.
It's present,yet it always manages to escape.

I'm always here,waiting for you and your affection.
I want your kiss and I want your touch.
I want to hear you say my name.

I want you to stay.to hold me,to comfort me and to tell me that you love me,and that you'll always be here.

Because,regardless of whether you truly realize it or not,I love you.

More than myself, I love you.
All of my heart,and all of myself,devoted to you.

Still,everyday,you seem to get a little further away.

Eventually,my love,i know you'll be gone completely.
I'll be nothing more than a stupid girl standing in the shadow of your brilliance.
And I'll sit, and wonder where I went wrong.

So help me please.I can't handle the pain.
Come, tell me how to bring you back.
Because right now,you're fading away.

I can't lose you.Not now.
I need you,more than ever.
But yet,I stand seemingly alone.

Fading into the background,
watching you
lose interest,
and watching myself
lose you.

2011-04-21T01:02:00.001+08:00

right this moment,i just feel like blasting random songs and just scream my lungs out. that'll make me feel better.

2011-04-20T23:26:00.003+08:00

i know,crying makes me appear weak. some said im a crybaby.

but what if i've been holding the shit for too long and i can't hold it any longer?

some people think i am happy with him. if i wasn't,why would i still be with him?

after how he treated me,said to me,did to me. sigh.

he is a good man,really just that he isn't good to me. he tried to change for us,i appreciate that,but it's only for a short period of time. i know some of you must be annoyed reading this and will say "stop whining and just end it". i tried. umpteenth times. but he just won't let me go. WHY. and everytime i gave him a chance to mend things back,it will start all over and just as im about to step out and "move on",he will be all bloody nice to me. why are you making things hard for me,goodness.

im sorry for ranting about this unnecessary issue but its really driving me crazy.

I AM NOT OKAY AND I AM NOT HAPPY WITH HIM.

but,im gonna be okay :) who cares anyway.

if he were to read this,good for him :) wait no,good for ME.

i just wanna be single and forget about love. im sure Ihsan will support me in this.

2011-04-17T12:43:00.002+08:00

I have alot of special people in my life. and they mean alot to me though we rarely meet. each individual gave me something what others can't offer. but i can't possibly rip myself into pieces and be with each one of them. i have to make a decision.

But im caught up. with something i dont know. something im not sure of. and i ask myself everyday"why isit so hard for me to finalize my decisions?" .

Maybe im too attached to this particular person.

maybe im just sick and tired of having to go back to square one.

maybe its pity.

maybe its holding on to something for too long till you've already loved the relationship too much cause it was just you who built it.

he is a good person,anything a girl could ask for,but,it has always been the 50/50 feeling for me. not bearing any grudges but i still cant forget what he did to me. he was so heartless but i gave him chance cause i needed someone there. he did made me happy,just like any other partners but its just not a healthy relationship. i want a neat relationship. i know im asking too much. and i wasn't what he wanted. his words is still vivid in my memory.

with my situation like this,i can't be asking too much.

Is it okay to just be alone?

2011-04-12T21:43:00.003+08:00

There's this one significant thing i remember.

When my late-grandad was still around,I saw him pray but at first I didn't know what pray means. so i asked him what he was doing and he said "talking to Allah". so i asked "how do i get to talk to Allah?"

his response? "dial 24434".

So i dialled and it was engaged. so i thought Allah doesn't wanna talk to me. I didn't ask him. Until i went for ngaji and then i knew what my late-grandad means :)

2011-04-12T18:44:00.000+08:00

thank you and i will be :)

2011-04-12T17:51:00.002+08:00

I am :

boring
tanned
short
skinny with huge head
sick
irritating
negative
always hated
the 2nd in my family but it's as if im not a part of them
a bad human being
hostile
sarcastic
violent

I don't:

have close friends,anymore
have a stable job
drink(makes me feel like dying)
club
dance
swim
own pretty things
please everyone
have flawless skin

but i appreciate every little things in life. i may smoke and have tattoos,but i don't deserve to be judged based on that. I love my family and they mean alot to me. I appreciate times and efforts people has given,for me.I appreciate the help people did for me. that shows there's still good humans on Earth. just that some humans prefer to be otherwise and take the good humans for granted. I believe in Allah,that's for sure. tears always shed at the end of my prayers when it comes to Mum. Insyaallah,I get to witness the day she becomes a real mother. I've seen what a daughter doesn't wanna see and i automatically prays in silent for Allah to forgive her. I am not a good person myself but I am doing my best to be one.

and as for my personal issue,I will do what i can and we'll just see.

2011-04-12T15:43:00.003+08:00

rather groggy today. and i feel somewhat,empty. maybe it's just my stupid feelings. so,nvm.

and yayy today i get to resume back to praying :D I'm delighted okay.

slept at 5AM last night. and now my head is spinning,whatsmore the additional throbbing migraine. so much for going to the hosp for my further check-up. maybe after May i will go. maybe. i have issues with bad news. i think everyone does,right ?

I've been watching this particular video everyday eversince it's sent to me. nak delete,tapi sayang. heh. oh well.

suddenly,i feel like crying...

these past few days,Ive been losing my balance and my memory. please,no more relapse. lucky i have my organiser with me to help me keep track of what I've been doing all these while. if not,i might even forget where I'm staying. heheh.

this puking sensation has been bugging me for the past 2 days. merepek la :(

okay,gtg . almost Asar.

daaa

2011-04-08T19:40:00.002+08:00

I have no idea why my vision is getting blur. not the blur-can't- see kind of blur. its like cloudy. tsk. i don't know la. use glasses and lenses are the same.

I want my period to end quick. sometimes i wished periods has an on/off button. so when i want to pray,I'll just switch off. haha. its impossible,yes i know~

I'm always thirsty these few days.

I can't wait for the item to arrive end of this month so i can see his widest smile again :) sabar okay Baba :) nak surprise2 sikit :)

i have so much to let out but right now,my ears are burning hearing mum talk about her work with her loud voice. as though the person she's talking to is at the next block -.-

absorbing alot of noise at the same time makes me dizzy and want to explode.

sigh. stop bragging la please,YOU. it's nice to share sometimes but there's always a limit,right?

what the makcik2(aunties) always say " Naik meluat aku". sighhh. I'm a bad daughter.

2011-04-01T18:38:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was my trip with Baba and Ibu to JB. went there at 11am till 11:30pm and i reached home at 12:30AM.

my body is aching like hell today and my head is spinning. i have no energy to even walk but i have to cause there's loads of chores waiting for me. since the fit guys won't help,the sick must do it.

I,have no idea what is going to happen to me,my family,or whoever that is close to me. well,no one knows.

y'know,sometimes i feel like packing up and stay with my Dad but I cant. but with Dad,i feel at home and i feel like " this is what i call a family". that is what i am supposed to feel here.

Ive been hunting for a job and still landed on none.so i'm only relying on my freelance.

2011-03-29T13:57:00.002+08:00

disappointments.

not a major one but it is disappointing.

mum,she always disappoint me. to the level where i want to give up on her. but my heart says to hold on.

my only sibling? worst.
when i was getting ready to start my prayers,he said something which made my heart sank. its not about the world coming to an end brother,its about me wanting to change. but,i can't blame him though cause he's not always home and maybe found it surprising when he saw me all white yesterday.

I can only pray for them. words da tak load lagi.

I swear I'm disappointed.

2011-03-26T21:17:00.003+08:00

don't turn to Him only when you in desperate need.

well I've seen some.

I'm quite surprised with myself that i actually wanted to do this cause i once said that i will only do it only when I'm totally ready cause i don't wanna do it halfway. so erm,i guess i am ready ?
If it is,Alhamdulilah syukur :)

I'm much more relaxed now. and my anger can be controlled,well,sometimes :p

I was wondering if there will be a day whereby my whole family prays together. insyaallah there will be. amin :)

my whole day was back-to-back chores since i woke up and I'm feeling the strain at my back from pulling and hanging the massive bed sheets. I'm so weak,lembik. bluehhh.

my swollen gums has reduced so that means i can eat whatever i want ! yay !

some say I'm getting skinnier and some said I gained weight. so I'm very confused. wanted to check myself but i don't know where the weighing machine is.

oh i got attacked by bedbugs last night till i couldn't sleep till 6am. i found them and burnt them alive. heheh. I'm so mean,yes but they're even worst.

tomorrow,so far no plans. oh wait,double choc ! cause i had my caramel frappe last 2 days :D

2011-03-21T17:18:00.002+08:00

how would you feel if you've been speaking up for someone,standing up for them,defending them,but eventually,they don't even care about your feelings. they hurt you emotionally which kept you thinking about the things they say to you for weeks. and you're trying not to believe that the words and actions comes from them but it did. and imagine if the person is your

own flesh and blood.

im like living in someone else's house. i don't feel the warmth in this family. it doesn't seem like my own family. like as though my family is dead(no offence).
except for my dad.
if i am strong enough to leave this place,i don't think i'll be blogging about this.

people say i have to be strong and i am strong. but for how long can i be ?

i have to lie and pretend just for the sake of my family but did they do the same for me ? im not expecting anything in return but atleast see what's there infront of you. the one who is more than willing to cover your shits and clean up your crap without having second thoughts.

just who and what am i,seriously. you're taking me for granted. ALL OF YOU.

yes i do remember the nice things you guys did for me and i really appreciate that but does that mean by doing ONE thing good and you can do this to me for the rest of your filthy lives ?

there's not even a base of religion in this house. i tried hard to build up the pillar of this family but it always come crashing down just like that. so tell me,should i try again or just give up.

praying for death is a sin and i don't wanna commit another sin but i really hope my family will wake up and open their eyes wide before im totally gone from this world.

don't drive me to the point whereby i don't acknowledge this as my family anymore.

Ya Allah,give me strength.

2011-03-14T14:27:00.002+08:00

yea i know i haven't been blogging for like idk how long.

and who would wanna read it anyway. stupid person,boring posts. that's what i am.

so,where do i start. hmm

okay,i did a hell lot of soul-searching and i found a solution(well,not really a solution but this is a must in my religion),which is to solat. maybe it can be my solution too. insyaallah.

i need peace,if not in my surroundings,in my heart at least.

I believe in Allah. i have faith in Him.

Now i don't wanna care what people wanna say about me trying to become better.
Allah knows best. hopefully i can do this till my life ends. insyaallah,amin.

i don't care if there's no one to motivate me. I'm doing this for myself and at the same time i want my family to turn out better. i want a real family.

i should thank Dad for listening to me,my miseries my sorrows. i can't deny the fact that only my dad understands me. i love him too much,more than myself.

i wanna become a woman with respect.

Ya Allah,give me strength.

2011-02-17T13:29:00.004+08:00

With the situation I'm in right now.

my mood is fuxking worse. cranky, grumpy. short-tempered.

not only some people noticed it,i myself am aware of how I'm behaving like. this is a sign of something bad is gonna happen. but i don't know what?

urgh. job job job!

oh? and I'm currently out of touch. haven't paid my bills :)

2011-02-14T15:55:00.002+08:00

no one does things that didn't made them do it. right ?
so,if you find me treating you like shit,then please do some self-check. try to recall what have you done. i am not unreasonable. say I'm ego or whatever,idfc. and i have the right to be feeling this way.

another thing,i don't know what's wrong with me. i mean,temper-wise.
i get agitated when i hear noise. like when someone is cooking,or someone switched on the lights or something like that,the running tap,almost everything. i can even hear the slightest sound a thing makes and no one can hear it. idk ,it's bloody weird.

bye. got some stuffs to do.

2011-01-21T13:24:00.002+08:00

When I’m not talking to you, I’m thinking of you.

When you’re away, I’m hurting inside for you.

you'll probably never read this and if you do, i hope you forget it right away. i hope you think it's about anyone else but you, that you shrug it off and are thinking about something else as soon as you click this away. i hope you don't think about how my heart is still hung up on the hook you planted in it. i hope you don't realize that my thoughts still revolves around you whenever i'm alone and my defenses are down.

but i hope some part of you knows:

i hate you for what you put me through.

i hope you know that i'm not dying, but then again, i'm not really living anymore either. i'm going through the motions, but i'm missing the vibrancy that i once knew, the passion that made everything brighter, more beautiful, just because i knew you were there. i'm just waiting for the feeling to come back in my legs so i can drag myself forward again.

i hope you don't think this is about you and i hope you don't think less of me because i said it. i hope you know me well enough to know i'm not going to let this beat me, that someday i'll figure out a way to carve my path to a new life.

I fell asleep last night with your letter by my side. so it is true that I read it before sleep sometimes.
Just once in a little while

Im not in a right state to say further.

mostly: i hope you never read this, i hope you never know it's about you

2011-01-16T12:25:00.001+08:00

I WANNA KILL YOU.

it's here again.

2011-01-15T18:08:00.002+08:00

was browsing through old photos and i found these. taken when i was freaking 16 ! LOL

different? same? hahahaha. CHUBBY much i would say.

2011-01-15T13:42:00.002+08:00

time and time again you're still doing this to me. when will you ever stop and see that you neglected someone right in front of you ? sigh. you refused to let me go but then why this? haiya. you make me confused. i hope one day you will come across this blog and read everything(which i doubt you would) .

days are getting lame . you are getting lame. and i guess i am too.

sometimes i thought I'm never good enough for you but then again,neh . i am good enough just that you don't know how to learn and treasure it. i used to think that i won't be able to move on and live if you're not around but haven't i lived when i haven't met you ?

today's KONEK-tion sucks.

wah,spending Saturday at home . its very pathetic .
okay not really,i planned to workout later. so in a few months time,my body will become hot like chilli. HAHA. no. badan hot2 pun buat apa. suami aja boleh tengok.

urgh,alot to say but lazy to think of words to type.

2011-01-09T12:41:00.003+08:00

someone once told me "when you shut people out of your live,they will eventually quit trying to be a part of it" . its good in a way but bad at the same time. or maybe i should do just that .

i distant myself from them,one by one. or was it them ? my current relationship is complicating enough to add on another. somehow i wanna turn bad. like,really bad , mean , cruel. so that people will hate me and not want to stick with me. just hearing my name irks them. yeah,i wanna try that. maybe its for the better? so if whoever's still there,i know what i might do. i've had it with wrong decisions.

i can't move on cause im still stuck with my past. with something that i hold on tight. afraid that if i let it go,i can't breathe. i know i sound so fucking emo and i dont care.

sigh. why must i be so lame and pathetic.

somebody,help me.

ihsan,i know you're reading this. and this one here is for you.

- we've known each other for years and you've seen me at my worst and best state and still you're by my side and always fucking there when i need you. you taught me alot,cared about my health etc,easy said you will be the greatest soulmate ever. almost everytime when you answered my call,i'll be crying and eventhough you're busy you'll still listen. when i poured about me and boyf,you quietly listened though it hurts you so damn much hearing about it yet you still can give me advices,you even tried to help despite having that strong affection for me.so, i dont want the same thing like danny and i to happen again. i dont want to lose our best bonds ever over this issue. i've already lost him,lost his trust and everything and i really dont want that to happen to us. im gonna say this once and for all that i am truly grateful when i met you and i love you sincerely. please understand. i know you will.

i tried,and i can't.

2011-01-02T12:24:00.003+08:00

i am not liking the starting of this year,i swear.

problems one after another. please God,i know i can manage this situation but i just can't handle the pain that i have to bear. it affects me mentally.

from family to financial burden. this is just, almost too much for me.

the news i received last friday really pulled me down till i cried and whats more,you know darn well that you did nothing wrong. sigh.

WHY. WHY IS ALL THESE HAPPENING TO ME? why, God ?
i believed in you and yet i got this. i always asked for your guidance in every situation im in. what about the ones that don't even remember you? why don't you give all these to them ? why me :(

God,the only thing i want this year is for you to take me back. please. i don't wanna do it in a wrong way so i'll pray to you. the more you prolong my stay,the more i don't see the purpose for it.

family has gone haywire. my health deteriorating. but im grateful i have a handful of friends who still cares for me.

moving on, i really need to meet my dad. cause,i dreamt about him. its always like this,when i dont see him for quite some time,i will dream about him.

and to the people who ruined my life and plans,you'll get what you deserve SOON. what you caused will maybe hurt me for a short period of time but what you'll get is forever i swear to God.

and to those who thinks im mean,think again. i never do anything without a reason.

2010-12-30T21:22:00.003+08:00

tomorrow.

im only looking forward for one thing,which is end of work. nothing else.
idk how the plan would go for my family celebrating this new year's eve. happy,joyous,memorable or otherwise.
apart from that,i really feel bad for turning down someone who has planned new year's eve for me. for "us" he said. im really sorry dear,family comes first for me.

well,we shall see what happens tomorrow.

2010-12-26T19:13:00.003+08:00

all these is making me so fucking crazy till i can't think of anything proper anymore and i just wanna die right now .

as much as i wanna refrain myself from being suicidal,i really really wanna die right now .so you people will know how to appreciate me,fuckers . im the one who fucking sacrificed and yet other people get the credits. its seriously so fucked up,you people.

if i were to choose happiness over family,i'll be glad to do so . cause why,cause none cares about my feelings. the bad is good and the good is bad. i think doomsday is really nearing uh .

if i have the ability to go far away from this place and never have to acknowledge any one of you,i won't waste any time.

you want me to be vicious ? try me. i'll punch your bloody face and make your mouth fucking foam. i've had it with being nice to people and they just happily stepped on my head. who the fuck do you think you are? we're humans,God created us and you have no absolute right to treat me that way. if you're a free-thinker and you think that you made yourself ,go eat shit okay. idk what the fuck im talking about but you guys get me.

i just want happiness that lasts for a lifetime. please. not this.

2010-12-26T11:10:00.004+08:00

repost-

Yesterday, xmas, spent with someone worth spending . now that you're used to my beating,i shall not apologize la k. and you,should minimise your vulgarities please before i really give you the things you said . i was happy during the last part. time nak habis2 nya part. my saturday was awesome eventhough it was raining like what.

today,pagi2 nothing to do ended up taking photos via webcam. im really bored okay . and hungry. wonder where my mum is. bella is so annoying ,kept on climbing up to me wanting to suck my fingers. you're one years old already okay. mummy musnt pamper you.

tomorrow,WORK =..= have to face that attitude shemale again.

2010-12-26T10:45:00.000+08:00

my saturday was just awesome (L)

2010-12-19T18:10:00.000+08:00

Why you no love me like i do :'(
sadded siul.

2010-12-17T19:17:00.003+08:00

will things stay this way or will it get better? or,worst ?
i seriously need a genie now. hah

this sunday,going to Dad's gig at Penin . haha . i know the place like jubs but nvm la,support daddy okay. if not me,who else wanna support him,you tell me. the mat2 kotai there isit ? haha . talking to myself . gile.

Kay,tomorrow i got no plans . so who wanna ask me out? cepat2 book me if not i stay home and sleep my ass off :) but like lazy like that wanna go out :/

today,was so bored at home and webcam-ed . tgk la korang the photos.muke peps.

gambar rosak.

2010-12-07T19:46:00.004+08:00

sempat eh. kening cave-woman.

gonna update what happened since last Sunday.

*updating*

Oh,went to Dad's place ,brunch with Ibu and Baba,blablabla,accompanied Ibu with grocery shopping at Giant,blablabla,home.

Monday,had to edit all the errors i made XD . but happy y'know,cause got alot of things to do . time flew fast.

Today,no work,run here and there. and got sunburnt. benci. lama2 aku jdi gelap mcm paria. bagus.

da,im very lazy wanna update.

2010-12-04T15:24:00.002+08:00

Finally get to rest at home . but not really REST . cleared alot of stuffs while having a bad cramp . idk why i felt so hardworking . haha . suspect,the menstruation . heh well, things has been going well( i hope) and im getting okay . but not really okay . err,confused .

i miss him and i dont wanna tell him :/

End of December * kachingggg*

OH OH,my hair is getting long~

2010-11-10T21:56:00.001+08:00

outside brother's workplace :P

and im blank.zzzzzzzz

2010-10-31T23:25:00.003+08:00

look at my mum's arm xp

with 'ex' Mr Bar Captain.
is it me or is he just darn tall . tsk

mum's slighty fatter than me. her tummy*points*

Family dinner at Yantra which is now no longer his workplace . was a coincidence since it was his last day,we decided to have dinner there and also to see him work as a bar captain for the last time. and the last for me seeing his colleagues which acknowledged me just now . heh . i didn't thought they would know or recognised me . Dinner was a spread for all of us . brother joined in after his day with his baby :p everyone was there,except for Sarah,my younger sister =..= So,tomorrow is my another off day which we planned to go drop by brother's candylicious store . he had his day teasing me while i was working the other day ,so tomorrow,which is gonna be later,it's my turn . *evil grins* i hate my bloated tummy now. thanks to this 'time of the month' thing .

2010-10-31T16:50:00.001+08:00

miss my hair :((((((

i wanna go shopping !!

2010-10-26T10:16:00.003+08:00

End of the month is almost here and i can't wait for it. I have another 3 full shifts to cover . tsk. i hate full shifts . tiring okay . last week was a dreadful week for me . most of the time at work,sick,no money to buy a meal during my break and etc.... i really hope for this week to turn out better . i need it . yesterday i wanted to take mc cause i felt really weak with fever and endless coughing but i decided to go to work instead . so i endured for the whole 8hours at work . ended up i had to relief at Wisma when i just stepped my foot at PS . sigh . nice day right =..= As for today,i am totally planless with no money and still freaking sick . i miss my special friends .

2010-10-13T11:48:00.002+08:00

Where-to-today

Daiso .

that's all . haha

2010-10-07T16:28:00.002+08:00

ahhh,at last i get to blog .

long hours of sleep is a no-no for me anymore cause im feeling very horribly awful now . i forced myself to be awake and showered,went to my workplace to get my forgotten organiser and searched for my black top for work and got it . now im home and bored and hungry and tired and sleepy . tomorrow is another day but at Bugis . sigh . why,of all places,must it be Bugis ? but okay,only 8hours . tahan .

bye .

2010-10-03T11:36:00.002+08:00

tomorrow will be the start of my new job as a beauty consultant . excited , no feelings and nervous at a go . hopefully my problem knee won't cause any trouble tomorrow as i'll be standing most of the time . how great . anyway,i just want to earn income . but have to enjoy working as well . bluehh .

2010-09-29T15:20:00.002+08:00

i want this complexion back :(

tsk,i don't really mind staying under the sun but what the sun can do to my skin worries me . now im so tanned till i can only see my eyes and teeth when i smile at night . hahaha . im hungry,wanna eat again . and grow fat . bigger boobs and fuller ass . and not forgetting the fat face .

2010-09-26T19:56:00.003+08:00

keeping words you wanna say to someone can be a burden . heavy huge mega loads of burden . and causes pain and tears . you want to say it,you want to let it out,but you can't . you asked yourself,why can't you just voice out ? and your heart says you just CAN'T .

knowing that the person is slowly hating you cause of your actions and telling the whole world,is unacceptable . but you can't say anything more but just swallow it . cause you just fucking can't . everytime you look at their photos or their name,you pour everything out . you jolly well know that that's the only thing you can do . you can't bring yourself to face them as what you've made them feel . you're aware of your doings and want to be fair,but life,is just not fair . no matter what you do . yes,you're not blaming life because you brought this upon yourself . and it has happened . but they wont let it pass .

even one more day wont solve anything with them .

i have reasons .

trust me,i do .

2010-09-26T13:37:00.002+08:00

i have fever every evening .
i get irritated with loud noise and bright lights .
i jerk during sleep .
i have constant pressures in my head .
i have problems with recalling memories .
i get moody all of a sudden and then 100% fine the next .
i have difficulty hearing .

.........

2010-09-26T12:34:00.002+08:00

bored with my hair . should i colour it ? or cut it ? hair dilemma :(

im getting weaker and weaker each day . i think its time to get some supplements to boost the lack of vitamins in me and also make me look healthier . it gets frustrating to throw up after each meal or visit the toilet . idk what the hell is wrong with my digestive system .

hopefully i get the job so i wont have to depend on my allowance which is not much .

i wanna go on a shopping soon and update my wardrobe :(((((((

2010-09-22T19:45:00.001+08:00

so,i ignored others when im with you and now ?

2010-09-14T15:37:00.005+08:00

My humble home :)

Dad and family

the shy girl,Putri

the not-shy-at-all girl,Sarah(my younger sis)

mum's family with aunt&uncle

mum and family

waiting ~

breakfast was a spread,till i visited the toilet 4times . urgh

Fika Tita Nia

the girl who calls me "kak chita",Dilah

Kampung kids going for collection

Finally my A&W .

and its not over yet . mum said there's still a few more houses to visit since most of my relatives were overseas for lebaran . how nice .

2010-09-07T22:15:00.002+08:00

the face,the smiles which lead to laughters and then the arguements and distance and then telling each other 'i miss you' and the hugs then to making out and texting,missing each other,calling each other names , the waiting , the sacrifices and the love . and then its over .

i've had one too many .

2010-09-02T14:37:00.002+08:00

Looking at the animal cruelty videos makes me love Bella even more . and hate people in China even more .cruel mean bastards .

Well,i've been falling sick most of the time and its not cool . my spine is stinging . everytime i sneeze,i can feel the stinging attack . wahlao,sakit skali . so i've decided to go for a full body check-up after lebaran . hopefully nothing serious though :/

Family issues isn't really solved ,just thinking about it can cause me migraine .

2nd day of lebaran,i won't be in town till the following day . the hardest part is leaving Bella alone at home :( have to fill her biscuits real full as she's a big eater and have fats all around her belly now . and she loves to sleep in my wardrobe :) but i get super annoyed when the clothes i wanna use have her fur all over it . haha

imissyousomuch . really .

2010-09-01T17:59:00.003+08:00

i changed my hair colour and its back to my original length . i know,im fickle :D

finally,my hair is jet black again :) hee . people say i look fierce with black hair . hahahhh . my brother said i look like China the female wrestler . lol . he always have something to comment .

Well,things aren't really getting any good or settled . just,better . and it'll only last for God knows how long ya .

Im mute . sedih banget . and my throat hurts like f.

2010-08-31T12:59:00.002+08:00

my intention is good . just to help . seeing you reacted aggresively last night made me target the one who caused you to behave that way . i don't care if you hate me . im doing this to make the person wake up and realise .

i hate knowing my family is like this .

now,thanks to all this,my fever shot up again .

i can't think properly right this moment .

2010-08-23T15:05:00.001+08:00

urgh,this on-off fever is driving me nuts and bringing me down . please get better soon .

2010-08-20T15:13:00.003+08:00

every morning when i wake up,my hair look like a lion . and,i hate it . half of me regretted doing my hair half of me doesn't . yes,confused .

2010-08-19T13:05:00.002+08:00

We're living in a constant fight . too much pressure everywhere and all around so don't let it pull you down . you have to hold on tight . the chance you get comes never twice,do your best and do it right . please .

2010-08-18T18:12:00.003+08:00

have you ever felt your throat choked when you tried hard to hold back your tears .

have you ever felt extremely lonely eventhough there's people around you .

have you ever felt hesitant to say out the words you've been wanting to say might it's the inappropriate time wherelse its just the two of you alone and silence .

have you ever felt you love that person so much till you wanna give up .

have you ever felt anger and disappointment bottled up inside till your temperature is warm enough to fry an egg .

have you ever felt that the feeling is no longer there and you just have to let it,go ?

Been keeping myself "busy" as to distract my mind off things . i may have trillions of friends in this world,but of all,only one can truly understand me as me . if i've been confiding in you about my problems again and again and again and again,means you are it . if i refused or kept telling im gonna be alright,means it's not worth it to cry out on you . cause,you never understand in the first place . and when i suddenly need you,don't ever turn your back on me .

that was what he did .

Im very sure i am the only one who has been doing everything . giving in . understanding . sacrificing . enduring . what about you then huh ?
OH , YOU'RE A WORKAHOLIC . i almost forgot about that . pardon me,for forgetting .

When you gave me a hard time , i made things work again despite wanting to just let it be and you took things easy,don't you . when im at the verge of ending everything,you came out of nowhere and showed that you care . i gave in and took your words seriously . i thought things are gonna be okay but then ,i was wrong . again .

You expect me to understand the way you are,your "This is ME" . fine . and you should also be understanding in return . you can't expect me to change me for you . and i guarantee that you won't be able to transform yourself if i request you to do so .

I am tired or clapping with one hand cause it always ended up with nothing . no respond .
You never offered me to cry on your shoulders,you never hugged me when i am upset . everything has to be manual with you . don't be surprised if you know someone is willing to take me over from you . wait,you knew someone is willing and you got so panicked,right ? and you still don't change .

I called to say i wanted to end the both of us,you were so eager to know the reason and asked if im sure,i said its positive and you cried . i know what your voice sounds like when you cried . and still ?

I wonder if i will ever be happy with anyone i end up with .

2010-08-17T11:29:00.003+08:00

I'm unhappy and I've severed everything and anything to do with the virtual world .

Whatever i do is wrong . yes,i don't deserve this . but who cares . you don't care . you care about yourself,your fucking ego self . whats the point of making you happy if you don't make me happy and understand me . I'm losing myself . just hope i wont try to commit suicide again . cause this is too much .

I told myself alot of times this morning that everything is gonna be okay,but will it be ?

Dear God,please help me,please hear me . i want understanding from people that i care .

won't be hearing from me for God knows how long . take care .

2010-08-15T15:51:00.002+08:00

i think i prefer you surprising me on my doorstep :) and i really appreciate the gift :) despite all the arguements we had,you're still my bi-partner . and you look good that day :)

what else . actually,nothing else . im blank . weird .

2010-08-10T19:08:00.003+08:00

when i said "i dont give a fuck",i mean it .

and now i know what kind of person you are :) and it also showed that you lack of patience .
i asked for just a lil bit more time from you,and yet you can't seem to do so . yeah ,i knew im gonna have to face it .

you said "we're already done" . do you have any idea how much that fucking slapped me ? sigh . nevermind .
thankyou for your time that you had given me :)

2010-08-10T12:21:00.002+08:00

"Are you okay?"
"No"
"Why? Anything the matter?"
"I think,i miss someone"

i just can't afford to go through another relapse . it's horrible cause that's the only time i really know how dying feels like . by not going to the hosp is not helping either . I'm just too scared to know . sigh .

when i wanna be alone,people keep coming and just when i NEED someone,no one's really there .

i don't care if I'm gonna screw up , i don't care if people leave me , i just don't care anymore . even though deep down,i do . they say "it's life" . can you even cope this awful feelings if you were me ? i seriously doubt so .

C'mon God,grant me my wish . i know i can hold the pain as I've almost been there .

And as for Lebaran,I'll have to celebrate it half-heartedly .

2010-08-09T16:16:00.002+08:00

as i figured . it is bad . bad bad news . sigh . im still scared to know further . i know i should find a solution rather than running away,but i can't bear to hear the real news . siggghhh . forget it .

been spending my days tearing,worrying about this .
Irgh,this is pathetic .

Yet again,solitary is best .

2010-08-07T13:51:00.002+08:00

i guess it's getting worst .
every lil thing i think,it will jerk my veins thus making me feel as though something heavy is weighing me down . to make things worst,people has been agitating me with their whatnot's , questions , and whatsoever . y'know,i feel like punching their faces . give me a break la . i would love to let them feel what i felt , see if they can even endure the pain . be grateful that i don't punch your faces okay :)

seriously,gimme a punching bag filled with marbles . i need it . or anyone that can willingly offer their body for me to vent everything out .

They say " i hate this" or "are you really that stupid?" or "i thought you're smarter than this" or "served you right" .

Know what ? that doesn't' bother me at all . call me names or misjudge me for all i fucking care,you don't know what the hell i went through . even if i tell,you won't understand it one bit kay . and,you think i don't hate this ?

and yeah,I've changed from the fucking nice gentle girl to this hostile monster . hate it ? I'll be glad to lead you to the end of our whatever-shits .

sigh . you just don't get it don't you ?

the more i need guidance,the more people leave me . that's mean isn't it .

2010-08-04T15:09:00.002+08:00

I laugh :

to break the tension during serious conversations
as it reminds me to appear happy
to make people around me oblivious to what im going through
to forget im a sick girl
to brighten up the people around me
to stay young,haha

but the thing is,im not really a laughing person :(

2010-08-04T13:35:00.001+08:00

The only thing that saddens me,
is that you're not by my side.
I can buy anything in this world to keep me satisfied,
but it only works not for long.
Then it just kills me to know that you're not here with me
to talk to, to laugh with,to enpower me,
and to know that everything will be ok.
You made me feel on top of the world,
that there was nothing to worry about,
that we ruled and everything was how we wanted it.

Now I feel lost, lonely, and powerless.
Small, sad, and afraid in this place.
I just want to look up and see you.
I need your hand to lift me when I fall.
I crave your encouragement and your soft hand in mine.
Your warm, strong embrace around me.
Your tender spoken words,your joyfull laughter.
Your loving kiss.

I miss you.

2010-08-01T18:25:00.000+08:00

they're great .

Thanks Adam and Bim :)

2010-07-31T23:06:00.001+08:00

i wanna call it off . please .

2010-07-30T13:27:00.002+08:00

i read this someone's blog and i knew that he's jealous regarding my recent post . and,why must you ? haiya,very hard la wanna talk to you about this . whatever it is,don't la okay :) you know very well that you won't lose me . it's been how many years and we're still in touch . no negatives kay :)
and i appreciated your initiative to call me that night :)

ps:I've yet to send you your photos .

2010-07-27T14:13:00.000+08:00

"i wish Bella can be this small again" .

2010-07-25T18:07:00.003+08:00

You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold and it feels like the end
There's no place to go ,you know I won't give in

Keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
Just stay strong
Cause you know I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say and nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close and it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend

Hear me when I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly

2010-07-23T18:47:00.002+08:00

so my instinct is right . the bad feeling that i felt earlier . i wish i could just disappear right now . and also mend his heart . i know i sound fucking emo but i dont care . if i have the money,i would've gone there just to see him and make things better .

My heart is left with a gaping hole once again . and this time,it really hurts cause nothing can fix it . none . listening to D'masiv isn't helping either . same like adding salt to the wounds . sigh .

I want to be the one who make you smile . all ways .

2010-07-23T12:59:00.003+08:00

So yesterday wasn't a great day for me .
friends , some of them made me get on my nerves,really . what the hell is wrong with you people ?! and you(you very well know who you are),what's up with you yesterday ? you know its offending when you said i came up with a pathetic lie for an excuse ? please,and why would i do that ? if im in a nice, hyped up mood,i would've agreed for you to come up and see me . sigh . no matter how much i say,you wont understand . but,you're still my bi-partner even when we aren't on good terms . but i wanna say this,you sucked yesterday . and i hate you for that Ifa .
And as for this boy,you are terribly irritating . not just yesterday,MOST OF THE TIME . it's cute when you're irritating once,twice but everytime ? cmon . gimme a break . i know you care but that was too much . y'know rimas ? if i don't reply,you fucking know why . and when im mad at you,don't ask me why ! YOU KNOW WHY . you irritating freak . but still,you're my small brother k . tsk .

Today,my tummy cramps is killing me . i hate it when "it's" coming :(

and somehow,i have a very bad feeling about something . though i have no idea what it is .

i just miss my long hair .

2010-07-23T12:17:00.004+08:00

Sarah was browsing through my photo folders and she yelled "i also want a photoshoot like yours" .
Me: No .
Her: ala,can la kak titaaaaaaa . when it comes to me you always say no :(
Me: cause you suck .
Her: please ?
Me: then go shower la ! kepo,people take photos ,you also want =..=
Her: heheheheh,love you kak tita*kissed me*

I wanted to do a soft and sweet look on her,but she insisted smokey eyes . tsk . spoil uh . feeling vogue ah tu . ergh,annoying . and she kept on looking at the mirror ! i can just slap her freaking head .

okay,so this is how she looked like . freaking different,till her friend came and couldn't recognise her . XD

Not what i wanted la . she's just 13 ?! yet i still did this on her . lol

2010-07-22T13:06:00.000+08:00

I believe one day,we'll show it off to the world .
For real .

2010-07-19T14:31:00.002+08:00

the moment i set my eyes on my cert,i just felt like hugging the admin and jump around . haha . tsk,too bad there's no one there to share my joy :( times like this,it's always me ,alone . sighhh . maybe im destined to be alone . haha,ah da start ah .

i still can't get over the fact that i passed and already got my DIPLOMA in my hands . like,weird . me ? diploma ? doesn't suit at all . but im grateful and thank God,nonetheless :)

sigh,i missyou :(

2010-07-17T12:55:00.002+08:00

Thinking back, i suddenly hate you . the words you said to me,the things you did that left ugly holes in me . and I'm still wondering what's there in you that made me fall for you . and the worst of all,you looked down on my family . what's there left to say ? i don't mind if you wanna say things cause i too know how my family is like,but looking down on us ? that's like wayyy too much . you never asked me why i pulled a long face,why I'm upset and such .
you just care more about you you you .

i always got ticked off for being sad . hello,I'm a woman . and i admit that I'm very sensitive . does it fucking kill you to just really listen to what i have to say ? you don't have to fucking insult my feelings . i don't know if being with you is the greatest thing ever anymore . I'm beginning to think it's a mistake . and it's my mistake too for being so dumb and fall for you . you heartless prick . i am not what you fucking want,and i have this fucking tattoos and i know I'm out of your fucking league . you want pure,nice,admirable women ? you can fucking go ahead . yes it will fucking hurt me but it wouldn't hurt more then enduring your fucking antics .

Idk what's stopping me from breaking this news to you . pity ? love ? sense of security ?

Told you how many times to better yourself,you did,but you ended up being your true self once again . in fact,even fucking worst . seriously,the fucking small stupid book,I'm gonna fucking throw it away . up till now you haven't even touched it . so what's the point ? and i don't want you to know how i felt towards you anymore cause its seriously fading . you should know now why I'm being rude,why i always lay my hands on you,vulgarities to you . you kept on asking why I've changed . it's cause you fucking made me .

you don't have to fucking pretend anymore .

And i've changed too,being hostile towards anyone,cause of you .

2010-07-15T23:58:00.005+08:00

You treat me like nothing . You always regard me as nothing . When I'm at my best,you still see me as nothing . But when THEY top the notch for the littlest things,you see everything great in them . I'm the one who always protects you,rubs Colgate to your fingers when it got scalded,cares about your situation,willing to listen to your stories,prays for your safety wherever you are,hopes for the best in your life . never my intention to bring this up,but will you atleast see? I care for you . I know you do,but its only the remaining of what you have given to others . oh i feel like shit right now .

No,i don't think too much,your doings made me so . I always expect you to be there,like how you should be but you care more about others. and the least important at that . i hate seeing/knowing people criticise you cause i know you are not that kind . i know you too well . i don't wish to say anything more . I just want you to open your eyes and heart and see what's really going on .

Please do,Mum .

Im seriously not in a good mood now . just feel like packing my bag and go to my dad's . no,not his .
Just anywhere , where my feet tells me to .

2010-07-15T22:18:00.002+08:00

Finally i've got my results . and surprisingly,i passed :D
i jumped like crazy when i opened the enveloped and saw the glittering grades . im getting closer to my dream :) insyaallah .

But,my happiness was crushed when i told mum that i passed and she just went "umm" . just now,i told mum again that im collecting my cert in another 2weeks and she still doesn't show any interest . heh . DISAPPOINTED . my heart seriously sank . sigh . okay,enough .

alahai,im down now . tsk .

2010-07-14T11:10:00.003+08:00

woke up with a swollen eye . icing my eyes right now and it feels like heaven . natural eyebag + swollen eyes = ugly . i had a pretty nice day yesterday . spent with Bim(la) . idk ,time flew so fast . im blank now . don't know what else to say . and i can barely see,goddamnit .

2010-07-12T21:43:00.005+08:00

and again,i got cheated . how can you do this to me ? i waited for you . excited to see you . i got cheated for like forever =..= please don't do that to me ever again mum . eee i always fell for her "promises" . tsk .

Im feeling a little teeny weeny excited,and i have no idea whyyy . i feel like drowning myself in marshmallows dipped in chocolate despite my shitty state . haiii . somebody help ~

Oh im meeting Izyan this saturday to her friend's engagement . i have to do hair . and i hate doing hair ! but since it's for Izyan's sake,anything for youuuuu :) but it's not fair,you get to do the make-up . *sobs* hair pon hair la .

i wanna go have A&W :( anyone?

2010-07-10T13:18:00.002+08:00

after a few coaxing,at last she decided to go out with us :) so manje hah need pujuk2 all .

it was her special day yesterday and I as her friend like,for years, should make her day . though its just me being there . nothing more . im sorry if i didnt have anything to give you but my time for you .
as you're getting older,please be wise in your decisions ? i dislike hearing what "he" did to you . but,it's all up to you darling . i respect your decisions and will always be there whenever you need me . like the whitney houston's song " I Will Always Love You " :) romantic aren't i ?

Tomorrow i'll be meeting Ferrahin . my Paris . she's craving for the yogurt thing . cute . can't wait for tomorrow ~

2010-07-06T11:10:00.002+08:00

this is cute

Oh well,he made my day . yet i still feel bad for making him think im pissed wherelse in actual fact,im not . its just my face ?

missvinovinovinovinovino .

2010-07-05T11:27:00.001+08:00

my sprained wrist is getting worst .

and someone please ask me out .

2010-07-01T10:33:00.002+08:00

i wanna stay in winter please .

2010-06-28T11:54:00.006+08:00

i hate looking .
i hate smiles .
i hate knowing .
i hate conversations .
i hate agreeing .
i hate sharing .

i hate the starting of everything . cause i don't know where it'll lead . when i can't predict its consequence . will i be glad with the outcome ?
I've made the worst and the right decisions before . and now,can i make it right ? or,even worst . I've had it with dealing all these "emotions" . seriously,i just wanna be free and do whatever i want . like how i used to . I'm uncomfortable being tied down now .

people come and go . same goes for friends,assholes usually tap and go as though we're ez-links .

I'm quite happy with what i have now,my bff . but not exactly with him . we've been distant . drifting . and he haven't even read the small book I've given him(the one i wrote about him from the first time we knew each other till like,our 1st year) . he just dumped it somewhere in the closet . and i still know where i stand :) slightly punched,but I'm cool with it . I'm waiting for the right time . and I've been having this constant reminder that we won't last that long . it'll be too strong for me to inhale the truth(when it comes) but,i am so prepared . very prepared since our first few months when i heard him say things that made me go ouch . i know you never did care . but you HAVE to . i know you never had the same affection ,but you HAVE to . i told myself to just let it past,but I'll end up going insane . people who acted as if they "care",are actually just using me . if my thoughts could kill,those people might have been dead by now . still,i let it past .

solitary is still the best . i don't trust words from anyone anymore .

so if you wanna leave,take good care . I'll be just fine,like how i did before you came .

2010-06-27T15:26:00.002+08:00

What a kiss means
Kiss on the stomach = "I'm ready"
Kiss on the Forehead = "I hope we're together forever"
Kiss on the Ear = "You're my everything"
Kiss on the Cheek = "We're friends"
Kiss on the Hand = "I adore you"
Kiss on the Neck = "we belong together"
Kiss on the Shoulder = "I want you"
Kiss on the Lips = "I love you"

What the gesture means
Holding Hands = "we definitely love each other"
Slap on the Butt = "That's mine"
Holding on tight = "I don't want to let go"
Looking into each other's Eyes = "I just plain love you"
Playing with Hair = "Tell me you love me"
Arms around the Waist = "I love you too much to let go"
Laughing while Kissing = "I am completely comfortable with you"
picking someone up off their feet = "that they love them fully and would do anything for them"

Dont ask for a kiss, take one
If you were thinking about someone while reading this,
you're definitely in Love.

2010-06-27T13:15:00.001+08:00

i miss the cosmogirls already :(

2010-06-26T21:49:00.004+08:00

Stuck Between Two

I'm stuck between two,
And can't find why.
I can't pick one,
When both make me fly.

Like rust on the bucket,
I'm hopeless to cause.
I want one like the other,
And neither have flaws.

I'll never decide,
I'm a hopeless romantic.
I try to choose,
But I end up frantic.

The love is lust,
And lust is more.
But juggle the two,
Is more of a chore.

The answer is gone,
I'm stuck between two...
When love is lust,
And both are true.

I find this very interesting .